Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Guilty by Association

So, The Boss and I have been hitting heads recently.
She seems to think that I have a never ending supply of money and time and should buy her each item that catches her fancy.
I have done this.
I know that this is a learned behavior. Once again, I feel like it goes back to an attitude of poverty.
Before we had The Boss and even during her early years, we didn't have much of anything. We made ends meet, but only barely most months. As she grew up, we became more established adults, money came easier, which meant, so did the "things". After struggling for so long, I was the first one to grab a "little something" for The Boss while we were out. Mr. Challenge was no better. We spoiled her, showered her and made her a brat.
We were riding in the car the other day and I was telling The Boss that I wouldnt't take her somewhere and buy her some new items for some craft project that she had decided must be done right now. I explained that it wasn't in the plan for the day and that I was still doing The Challenge and I didn't think that it was right that I kept buying her everything she wanted because we had about a million craft projects unfinished around the house....blah blah get the idea.
She then looked at me with these big eyes and said "That's right, you still aren't buying things are you?". She had completely forgotten. Of course she had, I was still purchasing her everything she could possible fancy. One item here, two little things there.
Wanna know why?
It all goes back to guilt.
I feel guilty that I yelled at her, that we couldn't go on a vacation in December, that I was so busy this past year, that I ran out of time and didn't play Just Dance with her yesterday, that she was punished for having a bad attitude, that I chose to go to the gym this morning and wasn't here to make her breakfast.
Anything and Everything.
So, I buy.
If you haven't read The Five Love Languages, I highly reccommend that you do. I read it and made each member of my family figure out what was their Love Language. Guess what The Boss's is...yep, recieving gifts. That's how she feels loved. Things mean so much more to her than to me. So, I'm caught in the middle of some sick game. The pull of "dont't buy more crap"--"let The Boss know that you love her"--"don't spoil the kid".
What about you? Do you buy things out of guilt?

1 comment:

  1. I love buying things for other people. I love finding the perfect thing for someone -- something I know they'll be thrilled with. And the more I buy, the more I want to buy. All my kids have birthdays in December and January. So, when I start buying stuff for them, all I want to do is buy more. I think about all the things they need and all the things they want and then I want to get all of them right now.

    It's a hard thing to not do that. And I don't even think the point is how much money we're spending because I usually get great deals on things. I think it's what you're talking about -- the fact that they then come to expect it and what you're getting for them doesn't mean as much.

    I don't have an answer. If "gifts" is your child's love language, then that's their love language. I think how I show love is both by acts of service and by gifts, but I don't need gifts from others. So, I don't know if you can have one language for how you show love and the other for how you receive it, but if so, then I do. I haven't read the book, but I do know the basic concept. I'm wondering if giving gifts to someone a lot, even someone whose love language is gifts, eventually loses some meaning?

    I don't know. I'm rambling. Mostly to let you know that I'm reading your blog and thinking about what you are saying. And to let you know that I back you in whatever you decide to do. You're an awesome mom and I know that Katie will look back when she's older and share that sentiment. You think so much about what to do with your kids and family. I think that's a fantastic quality in a mom. Keep up the good work.